ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
