just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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