I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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