so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
