i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
