i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.