I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.