I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
