I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
