the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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