Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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