fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
