My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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