i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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