I wish my penis had an off switch
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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