I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
