Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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