SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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