The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
