You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
