I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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