I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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