did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
