wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
only if we run a train.
done.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
