Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
