my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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