I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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