Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
