Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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