A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
