i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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