Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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