i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
