I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
