You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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