By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
