He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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