my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
