My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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