I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
