I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
my liver is dry heaving
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
