Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
