I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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