mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
