quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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