i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
