I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
