i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
