Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
