you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
