She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
