Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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