Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
