It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
