dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
