I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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