I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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